Driving Up The Hall
by Gail Cregg
Summary: One-shots. Ziva plus idiomatic expressions - you just know a malapropism or misunderstanding is around the corner. Sequel to Burying The Hatchet series.
1. Game Time

GAME TIME.

"Maybe McGee is right." Tony looks up from his desk to find Ziva gazing thoughtfully at him across the bullpen.  
>"Only on techie stuff. What are you talking about?"<br>"About it being time for you know."  
>"I know?"<br>"Yes, you know."  
>"I know what?"<br>"That it is time."  
>"Ziva! Time for what?"<br>"For you to start dating again. To move on from Jeanne."  
>"Oh."<br>"Though I am not sure he's right about the puppy. You've changed since being with her. I'm sure you'll do fine just being yourself."  
>"I think that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me."<br>"Do not get used to it." She grins at him. "You really do need to get back on the game."  
>Tony bursts out laughing. "It's actually...that means...you should say..." He's laughing too hard to complete the sentence.<br>"What!" She picks up a box of paper clips and taps them threateningly on her desk.  
>Recognizing the glint in her eyes as an indication she's about to lose her temper DiNozzo rapidly stops laughing and explains. "I think what you are attempting to say Ziva is that I should get back in the game; back into the dating scene right?"<br>"That is what I said."  
>"No, what you said was on the game and saying that means that the person you are referring to is a prostitute."<br>"Oh, sorry."  
>"That's okay and Ziva..."<br>"Yes?"  
>"I'm not ready yet."<br>"Well when you are I'm here for you and I'm sure McGee and Abby will be too. We could all go out together or just you and me. I could be your strong man."  
>"Wing man. It's wing man." He mutters under his breath but fortunately for him she's returned her concentration to her computer. After all she does still have that box of paper clips on her desk.<p> 


	2. A Hair Raising Moment

A HAIR RAISING MOMENT.

Abby's Lab.

"That's all I've got for you at the moment. I know it's not much." She pouts.  
>"Every little bit helps." Tony smiles to reassure her. "We better go see what the autopsy gremlin has for us." As he and Ziva start to leave the lab an exclamation from Abby makes them turn back.<br>"Wait. I nearly forgot. Jimmy came in with the scrapings from underneath Lieutenant Sanderson's fingernails just before you got here and he said...that is Palmer not Sanderson obviously since he's dead and can't talk...well Jimmy said..."  
>"Abs!" Sometimes DiNozzo's Gibbs portrayal was frighteningly accurate and this was one of those times. "The short version please."<br>"Palmer said he was really struggling with the condition of the body and hasn't yet established cause of death and that means there's no reason to go and see him."  
>"That is disappointing."<br>"Well with Ducky spending so much time at the hospital with his mum Palmer is kind of flying solo on this one. The body really was badly decomposed. I think Jimmy is getting a little frustrated. He's practically pulling out his hair. I told him to call Dr Hampton to help. I'm sure Ducky won't mind."  
>"Great thinking Abs." Tony and Ziva leave and Abby turns back to her analysis.<p>

Autopsy. A Few Days Later.

Ziva walks in through the automatic doors calling out as she does so. "Anybody here?" Receiving no reply she walks out and then crashes into Jimmy as he steps out of the elevator as she attempts to step in.  
>"Officer Da..da..vi..vi...David". He stutters starting to turn an embarrassing shade of red. "I'm so sorry."<br>"It is okay Jimmy. Can I call you Jimmy?" She smiles in a manner meant to be reassuring not quite realizing that her reputation has proceeded her and he has already heard many terrifying rumors about her talents in the short time she has been with NCIS.  
>"Sure. Dr Mallard has already left but is there something I can help you with?" He tries desperately to maintain eye contact and not stare at her boots. He'd always had a thing for those steel caps.<br>"Actually it is you that I came to see."  
>"You did?"<br>"Yes. Let us go and sit down." They walk into autopsy and both grab chairs and sit down.  
>"How can I help you?" There that came out sounding more confident and competent he thinks.<br>"I am here to help you with your little problem. You see I know all about it."  
>"You do?" He can't quite believe what he's hearing. Surely Michelle wouldn't have said anything to Ziva and how else could she have found out. Maybe she'd overheard Michelle and Abby talking. Oh, God this was so embarrassing. What if DiNozzo found out? Or McGee?"<br>"Jimmy?" Ziva clicking her fingers in his face brings him out of the musing trance her words have sent him into.  
>"It is nothing to be ashamed off."<br>"It's not?" That was what Michelle had said but he hadn't believed her.  
>"I had a school friend with exactly the same problem."<br>"Ah."  
>"You should know it is simply a medical condition and there is treatment available. She..."<br>"She?" What on earth was agent David talking about? He was certain his problem did not affect females.  
>"Yes. She received treatment and was fine."<br>"What are you talking about?" It is becoming clear they are talking at cross purposes.  
>"Trichotillomania. The impulse disorder that leads to you pulling out your hair."<br>"But I don't have it. What made you think I did?'  
>"Abby. The other day when you were having trouble determining cause of death she said you were pulling out your hair. I know what a problem this disorder can be so I came to see if there was some way I could help." She is slightly disconcerted to observe Palmer trying very hard not to laugh.<br>"To pull one's hair out is just and expression Officer David. It means to be really frustrated and in dealing with that body I was."  
>"Oh."<br>"But I do appreciate you offer to help." He smiles at her.  
>"You are welcome Jimmy." She smiles back. Two colleagues beginning the journey of understanding each other.<p>

* * *

><p>Factual Stuff: Trichotillmania is a real disorder but I believe it is usually diagnosed in one's teens so it was unlikely Jimmy had it. Then again I've always thought of him as a 'late bloomer' type.<p> 


	3. Interpreting Rule 16

INTERPRETING RULE 16.

Tony glances around the squad room before crossing to Ziva's desk. "There's no need to worry about this. I'll have your six. I'll say you just did what you had to."  
>"You will have my what?" His comment had sounded mildly suggestive but then most of what comes out of DiNozzo's mouth does.<br>"Your six Ziva. It's just a way of saying I'll watch your back."  
>"I thought you were usually more interested in watching women's fronts Tony." She grins.<br>"No. Not that I don't...I'm just..."  
>"Just what DiNozzo?"<br>"Trying to say that you are not to worry. I'm your partner and will support you. That is what partners do."  
>"Thank you but it really is not necessary. I will be fine."<br>"But Ziva the guy is claiming you broke his wrist when you tackled him to the floor. He was whining about suing and it could compromise the case if it is claimed you used excessive force in restraining him. I'm sure things were different at Mossad but here at NCIS..."  
>"What?" If she didn't stop him now he might go on like this for hours.<br>"Things are different."  
>"I am not worried Tony."<br>"Why not?"  
>"I am sure the Director and Gibbs will support my actions and besides you know..."<br>"Director Shepard probably would since I know you have a history with her. What makes you think Gibbs would? You're new here after all."  
>"I am on his team now and I was following his rules. I believe rule sixteen was applicable in that situation." Tony frowns as he tries to remember what that rule actually is. Then he grins.<br>"Ah, Ziva."  
>"Yes."<br>"I don't think you've quite understood the rule."  
>"If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it. What needs to be understood about that?"<br>"Well it doesn't literally mean you break their hand."  
>"It does not?"<br>"No. For someone to gain the upper hand it just means they're on top..."  
>"Like the Director with Gibbs?" She gives a suggestive grin and he shakes his head at the image that has come unbidden into his mind.<br>"That the person is in control and to break it means to devise some way of taking that control from them."  
>"I understand now."<br>"Good."  
>"There is still no need for you to worry."<br>"Why not?"  
>"Dr Mallard is examining the suspects wrist now. I am quite sure he will discover that it was not broken and this is just a scam to make matters relating to his interrogation and possible arrest awkward for us."<br>"How can you be so sure?"  
>"Tony if I <em>had<em> broken his wrist..." she gives what is truly one of the most frightening smiles he's ever seen in his life "...there would be absolutely no doubt that it was broken."  
>She returns to her typing and he returns to his desk making a mental note as he does so to be very careful in his interactions with his newest colleague in the future.<p> 


	4. Getting The Message

GETTING THE MESSAGE.

"There has to be a better way to do this" McGee mutters to himself as he walks over to Tony who is standing by the photocopier.  
>"What was that McMumbles?"<br>"I was just saying that there has to be a better, more efficient way to do this."  
>"Do what?"<br>"Arrange the office. Especially now we have more agents working here. Surely if the copier were moved...maybe over ..."  
>"You <em>really <em>need a girlfriend or perhaps just to..."  
>The mail room guy takes a package from his trolley and calls out "Package for agent Gibbs."<br>Ziva springs out from behind her desk and slams him to the ground sending the package flying.  
>DiNozzo and McGee rush over as other agents begin to surround them. "Jesus Ziva don't shoot the messenger."<br>"Why would I want to shoot him Tony?" she queries looking up from the floor where she is kneeling on the guy's back and frowning in puzzlement.  
>"It's just a...oh never mind. What are you doing?"<br>"Don't you recognize him?" She yanks the man back by his hair so that the guys can see his face.  
>"Yeah, he's the new mail room guy. Started the other week when you were off exploring your Miami vices with CI Ray."<br>"But isn't he the suspect from the Collins case a few months back? You remember we thought he was just a friend of the victim and by the time we had the evidence of his involvement he went missing?"  
>"Well I guess he looks a little like..."<br>"If I might be permitted to say something?" The guy asks his voice trembling.  
>"What?"<br>"I was throughly vetted when I started here and the question came up then. The guy you're looking for is my identical twin. We lost contact years ago when he became involved with drugs. I've no idea where he is. Can I get up now?"  
>Ziva stands and helps him to his feet. "Sorry."<br>"Can I go now?"  
>"Sure." He hurries away obviously anxious not to hang around any longer than necessary.<br>"Well Ziva let that be a lesson for you. Things are sometimes not as they appear." Tony grins trying to break the slight awkwardness of the moment.  
>"Or to put it another way never judge a book by its cover."<br>"Huh? Where do the books come into it?"  
>"Probie! That is really not helping." Tony rolls his eyes in exasperation. They all return to their desks. A few minutes later a question occurs to Ziva.<br>"Tony?"  
>"Yes?"<br>"Am I allowed to shoot people in the building?"  
>Unsure if she's joking or not he decides to respond as if she is. "Well I don't think Director Shepard would approve. Gibbs probably wouldn't mind as long as you avoid spilling his coffee."<br>"Okay then." She smiles at him. After all she does not actually_ need_ her weapon to cause pain and with a colleague like Tony DiNozzo she has often fantasized about it.


	5. Nice Shootin' Officer David

NICE SHOOTIN' OFFICER DAVID.

"Very special agent Tony DiNozzzo." He nods and begins to make notes as to what the person on the phone is telling him as his colleagues look across from their desks in curiosity. "Thanks agent Thomas. I'll make sure Gibbs knows." He hangs up the phone and leans back in his chair with a big grin on his face.  
>"What did Thomas have to say?" McGee asks knowing it is expected of him just by the way Tony is grinning.<br>"Something that will finally crack this case wide open. Apparently petty officer Jones has not only come out of his coma but he's started talking and he can remember everything that happened. It's practically a miracle since the docs weren't even sure he'd wake up or be capable of remembering anything. This gives the case a real shot in the arm. We need to get down to the hospital and interview him right away. I must call Gibbs." He does so and they chat briefly before he hangs up.

"Right. Ziva we're off to the hospital. Probie the Boss wants you to keep going with the financial records."  
>He and Ziva gather their gear and walk out of the squad room.<br>"Tony I am confused."  
>"About what my dear assassin?"<br>She glares at him. "Did agent Thomas say the doctors reported Jones had been shot?"  
>"No."<br>"Or that he shot the men who attacked him?"  
>"No."<br>"So how does Thomas's news give the case a shot in the arm?"  
>Tony smiles. "It's just an expression Officer David. It means it has a new energy, a new direction."<br>"Oh. I see. Thanks for explaining that." They reach the car.  
>"You're welcome."<br>As they get in to the car Ziva thinks to herself that over the weekend she must spend some time working on her American expressions. After all she'd hate to shoot herself in the hand by saying the wrong thing while on a case.


	6. Another Day In The Bullpen

ANOTHER DAY IN THE BULLPEN.

McGee and Ziva walk into the squad room to find a red eyed and disheveled Tony seated at his desk which is piled high with files.  
>"Did you go home at all last night?"<br>"Yes McQuisitive I did." He glares at Tim who is settling in at his desk.  
>"And did you stop somewhere on the way and get rendered before going home?" Ziva asks as she turns on her computer. The guys stare at her. "What? I am only asking if DiNozzo had too much to drink last night. I know what we saw yesterday was...horrific but I do not believe drinking to excess will help. After all we still have a case to solve."<br>"You mean plastered Ziva and no I did not stop for a drink on the way home."  
>"Then why do you look like that?" She makes a face clearly meant to indicate her distaste at his appearance.<br>"I decided to keep my date last night since it was only the second date and Cindy is really great so we met at the bar and..."  
>"Get to the point Tony" Ziva interrupts impatiently.<br>"She preferred the guy who kept hitting on her to me and she left with him." He pouts.  
>"Well some women are attracted to that bad boy type. For some violence can be quite the aphrodisiac." She smiles in a manner that is somehow suggestive and dangerous at the same time.<br>Tim and Tony exchange a glance and decide not to correct her mistake. All three return to work.  
>Several Hours Later.<br>"I can't take much more of this."  
>"Oh, do stop moaning Tony. You've been like a bear with a sore head all day."<br>"A bear? I did not know you supported the Grizziles or are you talking about the Chicago Bears? I thought you are a Buckyeye whatever_ that _is?"  
>"All I meant Ziva was that he's been a grouch all day."<br>"I agree. What is wrong Tony? Is this still about you being dumped last night?"  
>"I was not dumped. DiNozzo men do not get dumped. Cindy simply made a choice as she was perfectly entitled to do. I'm just fed up as we've been going through these records for weeks."<br>"It's only been two days Tony." McGee rolls his eyes at his colleague's exaggeration.  
>"Feels like longer. I usually enjoy going through the bad guys dirty laundry but this is so boring."<br>"Boring DiNozzo?" a deep voice questions from behind him.  
>"No, Boss. Not boring at all." He stutters in response as Gibbs walks into the bullpen.<br>"Well you and Ziva can go and question the girlfriend now we have an address for her." He hands Tony a piece of paper.  
>"Thank you Boss." Ziva and he head to the elevator and step inside.<br>"I thought when you and McGee visited the suspects apartment it had been cleaned out and the suspicion was that he had run away?"  
>"Yeah. So?"<br>"So where did you find his laundry to go through?"  
>The doors open and they head out through the building to the car park. As they do so Tony is pondering how to phrase his reply to her question. After already being corrected once this morning she might be a bit touchy at having another expression explained to her.<br>"Tony? Was it found in his office on base? His gym? Or by the agents who canvassed the area?"  
>They reach the car. "You can drive."<br>"I thought after last time you said never again." She smiles at him.  
>"Consider it a second chance. I'll tell you all about dirty laundry on the way."<br>As they peel out of the car park at a furious pace he finds himself thinking_ I will if I live long enough!_

A/N – I have to confess the rendered/plastered line comes from real world author Jo Bannister.


	7. Inside Out

A/N – When reading please remember this is early Ziva; the one who was so excited to translate PB&J as peanut butter and jelly only to discover in that instance it meant Perverts Brought To Justice.

INSIDE OUT.

"What a way to come out. It must've been shocking for everyone."  
>"You're so right probie one." Tony shakes his head. "Especially the poor woman he'd had in the sack several times. I think they were engaged. We used to watch when they went..."<br>"Where did he come out of?"  
>"Ziva! How many times do I have tell you not to sneak up on me."<br>"Sorry" she replies looking not at all contrite as she walks around into the bullpen. "What are you guys talking about?"  
>"Tony was just telling me about one of the teachers at his boarding school."<br>"Yes?"  
>"And all about the rather dramatic way he came out."<br>"Came out of where? Was he stuck somehow? Or did he go into hiding and come out in a showdown with local leos? Had he committed a crime?"  
>The guys exchange a look both unsure about where to start in correcting her misinterpretation. For a person well versed in several languages at times she could be a little sensitive after making an idiomatic lapse.<br>"No, Ziva it was like this. To come out just means for a person to admit to being gay and in this case it's quite a story how it happened."  
>"Hmm."<br>"You know what someone being gay means right?"  
>"Happy" she replies straight faced and it takes him a moment to realize she's joking then he and McGee chuckle.<br>"Good one Officer David. You almost had me there."  
>"<em>Had<em> you?" She smiles in that way that would tempt him to make a move on her if he didn't value his job and his life so much.  
>"And what sack did he have the girl in? Did she dress in it? Lie on it? Is this what Abby would call a hinky sexual practice?" Again she gives that suggestive smile that seems to be almost as natural to her as breathing. Teasing her new colleague really was too easy a way to liven up a boring work day.<br>"Shut your mouth McDrooly." Tim glares at him. "To be in the sack with someone just means to have been in bed, that is to sleep...well not really sleep..."  
>"You mean they were having intercourse."<br>"Yes."  
>"And you used to<em> watch<em>?"  
>"Once or twice. Well we were young and they went off in the woods behind the school and...<br>"Grab you gear. Dead petty officer in Rock Creek Park." Gibbs barks out striding across the bullpen to his desk. They gather their things and head to the elevator.


	8. Eat What You Kill

EAT WHAT YOU KILL.

"It wasn't me Tony."  
>"But it had to be."<br>"I told you it wasn't."  
>Although she knows she'll regret it Ziva can't take it any more and joins the argument. "What are you two talking about?"<br>"Someone" DiNozzo glares at McGee leaving no doubt who he thinks someone is. "Someone changed the settings on my personal email."  
>"So?"<br>"So, for the past month people have been getting emails from me that claim to come from Tony 'Sex Machine' DiNozzo."  
>"And what evidence do you have that it was McGee who did this to you?"<br>"Evidence? I don't need evidence. Changing the setting is so easy Gibbs could do it but McGates here is the only person I know who could get past my password."  
>"But I didn't Tony."<br>"If I can prove you did then you are dead meat."  
>Ziva bursts into unrestrained laughter causing her colleagues to look at her with some concern. A laughing David being a most uncommon and therefore slightly alarming sight.<br>"What's so funny Ziva?"  
>"The thought...that you could...I..." She wipes her eyes. "The thought of you killing McGee."<br>"Thanks Ziva."  
>"Sorry Tim. All I meant was that the image of Tony being able to kill you is somewhat amusing."<br>"I've killed before you know." Tony responds mystified as to what she is finding so funny.  
>"Of course but that is in the line of duty; as a result of being at work. I can not believe that you could easily turn McGee into dead meat <em>whatever<em> he had done to you."  
>"Ah." As usual with their newest colleague Tony is unsure quite where to start in replying to her.<br>"I am sure that if I had to I could kill McGee but..."  
>"Hey!"<br>"Sorry probie. However the expression just means the person is in big trouble not that they will actually be made into dead meat."  
>"Oh."<br>"I'm going for coffee." He strides out of the bullpen. A few minutes later Ziva looks over from her desk as she realizes McGee is staring at her.  
>"What?" He just continues to stare. "Don't worry. You taught me well. He'll never find out it was me."<p> 


	9. Never Criticize A Ninja

NEVER CRITICIZE A NINJA.

"Morning Ziva. What's happened to you?" Tony queries causing McGee to look away from his monitor to the center of the bullpen where a dripping, disheveled and clearly disgruntled David is standing.  
>"The storm knocked out my power so my alarm did not go off." Thunder crackles and rain lashes the windows. "Obviously I could not go for my run this morning and then my car would not start. I had to take a cab. It got stuck in traffic."<br>"Wow that is a bad hair day and it's not even..." he glances at his watch "eight o'clock."  
>Her hand flies to her hair and she shakes her head sending droplets of water across the room. "Tony." She takes a step towards him glaring as if he is personally responsible for everything that has happened to her that morning. "I think at this point my hair is the least of my problems. The hassle of getting the Mini towed, the possible expense of repairs and <em>you<em> are commenting on how I _look_? Have you forgotten what I can do with a paper clip?"  
>Seeing the sheer terror on Tony's face McGee decides that it is time to jump in.<br>"Take a breath Ziva. All Tony was saying is that you're having a bad hair day."  
>Ziva sits at her desk. "Not you too McGee. I expect comments like that from Tony but I thought you were more evolved."<br>"It's an expression. Tony was just observing that you had a really bad start to your day."  
>"Then why did he not just say that?"<br>"I did."  
>"No, you did not."<br>"Yes, I did."  
>"I know who'll be having more than a bad hair day if they don't get back to work" a gruff voice barks before the bickering can escalate.<br>"Yes Boss" the team responds simultaneously which is followed by a rapid tapping of keyboard keys as Gibbs walks past them to the elevator. A few moments later Tony lets out a groan of frustration.  
>"What is wrong DiNozzo?"<br>"What's wrong Ziva is that I am getting nowhere tracking down the petty officer. Nobody has heard from him. Not his shipmates, friends or family. Those that will talk about him that is. I'm mostly getting yes or no answers and no more detail than that. It's like trying to get blood from a stone."  
>"Stones do not bleed."<br>"Huh?"  
>"People bleed. This I know." She has a faraway look in her eyes as if remembering something truly painful. "Animals bleed. Stones do not."<br>"Ah Ziva, Ziva, Ziva. What a lot we have to teach you."  
>"And maybe I can teach you about paper clips."<br>"Maybe."  
>He smiles at her and she smiles back.<p> 


	10. Choose Your Words Carefully

A/N - You might notice part of this is 'borrowed and adapted' from an NCIS ep.

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY.

"Current contact info. Current next of kin info. Current certifications info. Current assignment info. Current hours worked info. Current pensions info."  
>Tony is muttering to himself as he spreads paperwork across his desk.<br>"Tell me again why I'm doing this?"  
>"As I told you before" a plainly exasperated McGee replies "NCIS regulations require human resources to update all employee information on a regular basis."<br>"All of it?"  
>"Yes, Tony all of it."<br>"Regulation 409C.6. I know."  
>The other two stare at him in amazement that he knows the actual number.<br>"You're making that up."  
>Tony swivels in his chair to challenge him. "Am I probie? Am I?"<br>"Would not this go faster if you actually _did_ it instead of just _complaining_ about it?" Ziva interrupts.  
>"Yeah. Yeah." He swivels back and sighs while looking over the piles of paper on his desk. "This is going to take forever. Just shoot me now." He picks up a pen.<br>"In which arm?"  
>The pen is dropped back on the desk. "What was that Officer David?"<br>She smiles. "Which arm would you like me to shoot you in?" She looks around the office. "Perhaps it is best we go outside."  
>Tony and McGee exchange puzzled glances before DiNozzo asks "Ah, Ziva. What are you talking about?"<br>"You really do not wish to do this paperwork, right?"  
>"Yeeesss." He responds uncertain with where she is taking this.<br>"And if you are injured you will not have to and that is why you requested someone to shoot you. I was merely asking which arm you prefer to be shot in. I guess your writing arm would be best, yes?"  
>Her colleagues are looking at her with horrified expressions as she observes them with a serious look for a few moments before breaking into laughter. "Oh, if you could see your faces. I was joking." Her smile widens as the other two uncertainly join in with her laughter.<br>"Good one Zee-vah." Tony deliberately stretches out her name in the way he already knows annoys her.  
>She snorts. "As if I could ever shoot a colleague."<br>"That's good to know." McGee responds.  
>"Unless he annoyed me." She looks across at DiNozzo and with that she and Tim get back to work.<br>There really are some things scarier than paperwork Tony thinks as he glances across the bullpen at his newest co-worker.


End file.
